Mistic Pets

Welcome to Issue 14
Created by The Mistic Pets Team

Apocalyptic Pets For Dummies
Written By Fallout

Location -

Do You Live In A Place That’s Right For This Pet?: Like an oceanic pet that would prefer to live in your bathtub or swimming pool over a desert environment, there are ideal locations for keeping an apocalyptic pet. Do you live near a morgue or cemetery? These are the most ideal locations for keeping your pet. They also seem to prefer woods, malls, old, decrepit mansions in the mountains with secret, underground labs, major U.S. cities, and creepy old cabins in the middle of nowhere. Bonus points for those who live in Pennsylvania, where apocalyptic pets seem the most abundant.

Places that are less than ideal for your pet include apartments (where your neighbors might complain of the smell), near schools or playgrounds, or anywhere near the vicinity of a Michael Jackson tribute concert (they don’t like it when people ask them to do the Thriller dance). Moderate climates are preferred for preservation. Colder climates are not recommended.

Choosing A Pet -

Picking the One That’s Right For You: When the virus starts to spread, apocalyptic pets tend to number in the thousands. So which one of the batch should you take home with you? Look at your pet closely. Regardless of the breed, all apocalyptic pets should be a pale, bluish-white color, have cloudy, glazed over eyes, and drools like a fat guy in a house full of free bacon. But exercise caution: If he’s into The Dazzling Vampire, plays a lot of World of Warcraft, or is wearing a My Chemical Romance T-shirt, chances are he’s not really an apocalyptic pet, he’s just an ordinary teenager. The easiest way to tell the difference is that an apocalyptic pet usually has a few maggots living on it and most teenagers don’t try to eat your brains. When choosing your pet, it is recommended that you take into consideration its age. Age can be determined by the pet’s state of decay. Newly turned apocalyptic pets will have little to no visible rotting and will smell either like rancid milk or a dead chicken. Younger apocalyptic pets may retain a very small fraction of intelligence and are typically less aggressive than their older counterparts, making them ideal for older couples or families with small children (Disclaimer: Fallout holds no responsibility for devoured or bitten children; exercise caution when your pet is around kids). An older pet will show a moderate amount of visible rotting and typically smell like a dead chicken marinated in rancid milk left in an old shoe and sprinkled with cooked cabbage. They will retain virtually none of their original intelligence and tend to be aggressive and prone to biting. They are ideal for those who want to keep people off their lawns or are plotting revenge against their annoying roommates that drink all your Yoo-Hoo and slam the door on their way to their classes every morning. The oldest pets will be so decayed that their breed is undeterminable. They smell like someone took that dead chicken marinated in rancid milk left in an old shoe and sprinkled with cooked cabbage, stuffed it inside road kill, nuked it in the microwave for three hours, and left it sitting in the hot sun all summer (yes I know what that smells like; if Clayton offers you the “Manager’s Special”, say no). These pets have evolved their own brand of intelligence, are highly aggressive, and have learned how to work together and communicate with other apocalyptic pets around their age. They are perfect for use as guard dogs and for keeping solicitors, girl scouts, and cult members off your doorstep.

Tune in to our next issue for the thrilling conclusion, including First Aid and Frequently asked Questions!

Comments

This article does not have any comments.

Go Back to Articles

Go Back To Issue Overview