Mistic Pets

Welcome to Issue 9
Created by The Mistic Pets Team

MAWZ & MWAZ Interview
Written By Malik

MAWZ: Thank you. The pleasure is ours.

MWAZ: What? No it's not. Why do you always have to be like that?

TC: Uh, gentlemen, please-

MWAZ: No seriously, it's like you were born to be a doormat or something.

MAWZ: What? That's idiotic

MWAZ: No it's true. "The pleasure is ours," "Znakes are friends, not toys.” Can you simper any more? GAH! Znakes were meant to be whacked. Just look at them. Their heads look so lonely without all those cute little stars, and their expressions when whacked are just to die for.

MAWZ Really? Really?! You want to get into this already? Fine. Znakes are NOT meant to be whacked, you insensitive monster. You and your board are all just trigger-happy loonies who have too much time on their hands and an absurd love for stars.

MWAZ: Oh, look at that, the leader of MAWZ is being sanctimonious again. Who would have thought? Look, just because your membership ranked higher this year and the numbers for MAWZ were off the charts doesn't mean you get to be self-righteous about it. It just means most of Mistica came down with a disease on Whacking day. I mean it's called Whacking Day for heaven's sake - emphasis on the 'whacking' part. So everyone who didn't do any whacking must have been sick with an epidemic or something. Happens all the time.

MAWZ: An epidemic that lasts only three days? What kind of reality are you living in? Fine, so maybe it was an epidemic; an epidemic of kindness and humanity is more like it.

MWAZ: An epidemic of shut up!

MAWZ: What are you, three?

MWAZ: All right, fine, but we even came out with humane whacking stick this year, all foamy and soft and everything. Even you with your ridiculous demands, what more could you possibly want from us?

TC: Gentlemen, really, this is getting out of han-

MAWZ: For you to stop whacking altogether! How many more times do I have to say it before you get it through that thick skull of yours? Perhaps I'll have to whack it in with one of your so-called "humane" whacking sticks and see if that works. The truth is that semi-whacking a snack is even less humane than a full-on whacking. My partners and I strongly believe that whacking a snake with a "humane" whacking stick leaves it severely traumatized, straddling the brink between consciousness and unconsciousness. When in this state, the poor thing is awake and alert for most of the day but then falls into a blanked-out coma for six to eight hours. Six to eight hours!

MWAZ: That's called sleeping. I bet if you did more of it, you'd be less crazy. But that strategy’s pretty typical of you - blowing things out of proportion and using kooky, misguided “science” to do it. What, is your fact-checker out of town this week or something? I bet he-

TC: PLEASE, BOTH OF YOU!

MWAZ: Jeez, no need to get so touchy; we can hear you just fine. We were just having a conversation. I thought that’s what you invited us here for. Sheesh, make up your mind.

MAWZ: Conversation? The only conversing going on were was from me. You were just slinging around insults and baseless slander-

TC: ENOUGH! Our first question, quickly before our time is up: what event in your lives helped you two decide your stances on znakes?

MWAZ: I found him out in our back garden whacking znakes. Naturally I wanted to be like my big brother so I followed his example

MAWZ: I, on the other hand, was appalled by my actions and felt it was my duty to teach my little brother good values. So I vowed then and there to never whack another znake.

TC: You’re…brothers?

BOTH: Yes

TC: I...never would have guessed.

MWAZ: Well, if you weren't so concerned about butting in our conversation you might have learned that a lot soone-

TC: Well, look at the time. I guess that's all for now from MAWZ and MWAZ -

MAWZ: Wait! You said-

TC: This is the Mistica Chronicles signing out now! Stay safe everyone!

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