Mistic Pets

Welcome to Issue 83
Created by The Mistic Pets Team

So it's Your First Day Back at School
Written By Fallout

For many young pets, September is a time of dread when the skies darken around 4-5pm, the water begins to frost over in kiddie pools everywhere, and a cursed omens such as “Back 2 School” sales mark the potential end of days. It is a time when young ones are herded into a stuffy building and have knowledge crammed into their heads until long division and essay questions start to ooze from their ears. It is also a time to learn which students will be angels and receive straight A's and which ones will be accompanied wherever they go by eerie Jumboyo shamans chanting and require the rating scale to be adjusted to accommodate for their straight Z's. For your convenience, a team of overly paranoid psychotics have compiled a list of the things you should look out for immediately upon returning to school.

1.Troublesome Classmates: Who hasn't walked into their classroom for the first time to find Billy juggling the class Hamwryt and Steve asking the chemistry teacher what they get to blow up first? Be on the lookout for any classmates you will want to avoid having to do projects and labs with.

2.Filth and Lies: Hey guess what? Teachers will lie to you. They'll tell you that the pool is heated and cleaned often, despite the fact that you can clearly see a dead guy frozen in a block of ice at the deep end. They'll tell you that's real beef in the cafeteria food despite the fact that it smells suspiciously of rubber and pencil shavings. They'll tell you that Tammy just moved away even though you can hear her voice gasping for help every time you walk past the janitor's closet. Beware the lies and learn to differentiate them from the truth so that you'll know never to fall for them!

3.Cafeteria Food: Pack a lunch if you can and whatever you do, don't ask what's in the food! Rumor has it that the pommesauce is actually made out of the casualties of Ms. Alkatraz's dodgeball games. So that's why so many of your PE classmates seem to move away...

4.Bullies: What kid doesn't fear getting shoved into lockers or overturned inside a trash can? Fortunately there's a solution for your problems. Find the biggest, meanest Lirionox in your class and give him a piece of cheese (it's a little known fact that no Lirionox can resist the siren song of cheese). He will now be your friend and bullies will be afraid to come near you. Problem solved!

5.Poor Grades: So you decided you'd rather play Sworm Slayers 6 instead of studying and you had to burn your homework and textbooks for warmth because your dad decided to save money on the heating bill this year. What do you do to stay out of trouble when Momsie and Pops see your D average? Simple. Move to Dire Morana and tell no one before the report card shows up in the mail.

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