Mistic Pets

Welcome to Issue 8
Created by The Mistic Pets Team

Mistican Action News
Written By M.A.N. (Ryuuko)

As it has every year, the massive pandemic of lovebugs and cooties has swept across Mistica, infecting Misticpets all over with the worst disease of them all; love sickness. It’s so cheesy and pink and cutsie… it makes me want to vomit. Many have already fallen ill, and with winter storms stalling the trade of Cootie shots and Luvbug repellents, those of us until now spared by the infestation are at immediate risk. Making matters worse is the fact that Lovesickness is incredibly contagious, wreaking havoc on crowded cities. If one of those close to you has Lovesickness, it is advised that you keep them quarantined -– be it your friends, your spouse, or even your own children, kick those filthy disease-ridden mongrels out of your house and chain them in the tool shed, because they put you and everybody you’ve ever loved at risk.

But how do you know who to avoid like the plague (because they have it)? Our top Super Awesome Mistican Action News medical experts have compiled a list of symptoms to look for:

• Dilated Pupils


• Flushed Cheeks


• Insomnia


• Distorted Speech (Sounding Like “Baby Talk”)


• Inability to Understand the Concept of Personal Space


• Bad Poetry


• Pink Hearts Swirling in the Air around the Victim

If you see anyone who displays these symptoms, it is advised that you run screaming into the night, flailing your arms as wildly as possible. It is very important to stay clear of any infected Mistican, as the future of our society depends on us stopping the spread of this disease. In addition to that, our experts advise that all healthy Misticans:

• Check Your Home Weekly for Signs of a Luvbug or Cootie Infestation


• Stock Up on Flyswatters and Heavy-Duty Boots


• Keep Doors and Windows Closed at All Times


• Check Yourself and Anyone Coming into Your Home


• Stay Indoors as Much as Possible


• Don’t Trust Anybody

However, while this Lovesickness is truly terrifying, it is curable. So, if you’re one of the unlucky majority who have caught it or are too much of a pansy to ignore your children’s cries from the tool shed, employ one of the oldest and most trusted medicines of all time: sweets. Stuff their/your face with as many cakes, chocolates, candies, and sugar as you can get your hands on, and don’t stop until you’re full to the point that it won’t even fit in your mouth anymore.

But if the disease is so easy to cure, why does it run so rampantly? There is one simple reason for that: diets. Misticans everywhere would rather be transformed into mushy pink blobs of lovey-dovey horror than stray from their diet of air and soy beans, and are allowing the pandemic to continue devastating Mistica. So if you happen to know of any Lovesick Misticans who refuse to eat sweets, grab a funnel and a bar of chocolate and force-feed them, or else everybody you know and love is going to start writing poetry ripping off Shakeskillow, or even worse, a sequel to the Dazzling Vampire.

So there you have it; we here at Super Awesome Mistican Action News have provided you with the knowledge needed to hopefully overcome the monstrosity plaguing our world. The outcome of this battle is in your hands now.

Good-Night, Mistica, and be safe.

Comments

Written By Apache

Such article. Much words. Completing achievements. Wow.

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