Mistic Pets

Welcome to Issue 57
Created by The Mistic Pets Team

Ken Kratork's Kentastic Dating Advice!
Written By Cas

Hello there, readers! Ken Kratork here, taking a break from flaunting my fabulous face on your television screens and bringing my smooth, satisfying reporting to the printing press. If any of you are alarmed by the lack of my glorious visage, don’t panic – simply break out your official framed Ken Kratork Action News Pose Photo Set and let your eyes gobble up all of the Ken your heart desires.

As you stare at the perfect portraiture that is moi, I’m sure the parts of your brain not overrun with Ken-mania are wondering why I have decided to take my succulent voice and put it to writing. Well, Misticans, as the chocolate shortages and multiple bites all over my glorious buttocks would lead me to believe, we are just pulling ourselves out of yet another Infestation this year! And aside from the pain and the cravings, do you know what this time of year is about?

Love. And nothing spells love like writing, baby, both literally and metaphorically. Oh yeah, Ken knows how to use those metaphors just the way you like. So I’d like to use my delicious style of prose (my tenth grade English teacher was totally diggin’ my prose) to teach all of you lovely Misticans about how to get your hands, claws, and paws on that special someone. Even as we approach the Revelry season, there’s still plenty of time for wooing. **

STEP 1: Be Cool

Remember how, when you were little, all of your teachers and parents and even adults on television shows (I thought these guys were supposed to be role models!) taught you to just “be yourself?” Well, unless you are me, which clearly you are not, that’s not just gonna cut it. Drop your lame hobbies, get rid of that Rainbow Scout collection, and just be cool! Whether you’re pining after a lovely lady or a handsome hunky man (probably me), being cool is the sure-fire way to get you some of that sweet hand-holding action. For more information on being cool, be sure to buy my new book, The Dao of Ken, for only three easy payments of $19.95!

STEP 2: If not Cool, Lie

Is the Mistican you’re pining after only going for Brain Surgeons and Rocket Scientists working on their fourth PhDs? Who says you can’t be just that? With the power of lying, anything is possible! Lie about your job! Lie about your family! Lie about where you were last summer! As long as you can keep her from finding out, she’ll never have to know that you work as the Traveler’s boot polisher!

STEP 3: If They Find Out, Wash, Rinse, Repeat

Okay, so they found out. Big deal. As long as you don’t date their friends, you’re home free buddy! There are an endless supply of Caribyss in the reef, and now that Ken’s given you those first couple Tasty Fish, you should have no problem fishin’ up your own. And if, for some reason, they are the angry type and wanna know where you heard these tactics from, tell ‘em Benni sent ya.

Good night, Mistica. Happy hunting.


**EDITOR’S NOTE: We here at the Mistic Chronicles would like to note that we do not share any of Mr. Kratork’s beliefs on dating or relationships. Be yourself, be confident, and love who you are before you try to love someone else. I’m pretty sure he just flirted his way into this article…

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