Mistic Pets

Welcome to Issue 48
Created by The Mistic Pets Team

Surviving Your Grulek
Written By Caustic

So, you managed to get your hands on a Grulek – congratulations! Also, I’m sorry, because as you’re about to find out those little wonders of technology are actually pretty nasty and evil. But now you’re stuck with one, so you might as well live as peacefully with it as possible, right? Short of bending to its robotic will, there are a few ways normalcy can be achieved.

No, Those Aren’t Eggs
Some have made the mistake, when their Grulek malfunctions, of thinking that it’s asking for eggs. It’s not. Gruleks aren’t like us organic beings, although they aren’t fully robotic either. Their only acceptable body count is “everyone” and the last thing a Grulek wants to do is sit around making soufflés with you. No, your little metal pal is just saying he wants to exterminate you. If this ever happens, just run until he gets distracted by something else.

Never Explain
As beings who lack imagination or emotion of any kind, Gruleks often do not understand what we emotional beings do, or why. They feel threatened by this and often demand an explanation, but don’t give one! Simply smile in a cocky manner and leave the Grulek to stew in its own cold, unfeeling ignorance.

Aim for the Eye Stalk
So your attempts at peace and happiness have failed, mostly because a Grulek understands neither of those things. As a last resort, to take out the little monster, aim for its weak spot: the eye stalk. A few well-placed blows will make sure your Grulek doesn’t summon its friends and attempt world domination.

Keep them Away from Other Robots
Gruleks do not play nice with other robots, especially if both have the same goal of destroying everything to make room for their own evil empire. Many Misticans have tried to teach their Grulek to love by giving it another robot friend, but the only result was a lot of sassy smack-talking.

There you have it, tips for life with your new Grulek! I would honestly rethink keeping one in the house at all, or even letting them exist, but the good Dr. Erlenmeyer prefers the more humane approach of keeping them alive.

Comments

Written By Flygon

I loved reading this. Awesome article Caustic!

Written By Detective

I think this is the best article ever written.

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